Not good enough

My whole life has been haunted by this phrase. I was too fat. That was the beginning I think. Even if I only ate what everyone else ate I still gained weight. My mother didn't feed us junk food. Candy, soda, and sweets were rare in our house. Grandma made the most awesome peanut butter fudge. But I only got it for my birthday along with a new item of clothing. Sometimes if we were lucky she made it for Christmas if I begged her hard enough. Because I was fat no one wanted to be my friend so I was alone most of the time.

Later it was I was told I was lazy. Nothing I ever did was good enough to satisfy the person I was trying so desperately to please. In high school I thought I was good at doing so many things but when those things were compared to someone else I always came up short. I had average grades B/C average with an occasional A thrown in. I played clarinet which I enjoyed but really wasn't passionate enough about music to practice hard enough to be the very best. I was a joiner. I was in 4H and FHA because I was pretty good at cooking, sewing, and crafts. I wanted to be a nurse and really had no guidence as to best way to succeed in life. I was a part of a work release program in my junior year where I worked at a nursing home. There I learned that I was not fast enough to do my job well.

I made a mistake early on I guess. I joined the Mormon church where I learned I simply wasn't good enough to be considered as a candidate to be someone's wife. Which is everything when you are a mormon female. Again I was too fat to be desirable. I also wasn't disciplined enough to follow all the rules. Too easily distracted by what felt good. My first love and husband while I was good enough to want to have sex with thought I was not blonde enough to suit him. Why he was with me I'll never know. Easy prey I guess. He died which sent my world into a tail spin that too me years to recover from.  I went to college where again my grades were average. But I had no clue what I was supposed to do with my life. So eventually I dropped out. I went back to doing what I knew I could do. Nursing home work where while I was still not fast enough or good enough they weren't going to fire me because of it. I had a breakdown early in my 20's where death seemed better than always living with not being good enough for anything or anyone. It was preferable than feeling ugly and unwanted. That was the first time I went on social security disability. Eventually a made a verbal contract with my mother that before I tried swallowing a bottle of pills or cutting myself I'd call someone. I spent a lot of time in psych wards.  Through all of it I still clung to my religious beliefs even though they too made me feel not good enough. I was never going to qualify for heaven yet I had to keep trying. The only pay off was not being afraid to die because I knew at least the  pain would end and I would at least find some peace.

I eventually tried other work. Secretarial work didn't work out I was not pretty/skinny enough to be hired and I made too many mistakes. I lacked "initiative" whatever that meant. I had a disastrous marriage to someone who was mentally/emotionally abusive. I was grasping at straws to be honest. I never felt anything for him but pity. I had a minor stroke during that marriage due to a concussion. Someone hit me in the head with a small baseball souvenir bat. I can't say it was my husband because I don't remember actually being hit. He said I was hit with the bat. For all I know I could have fallen and hit my head on the coffee table. My work life continued to be a series of jobs I just wasn't good enough to do well in. I finished my bachelors degree only to discover that the degree I chose wasn't going to net me a job because I wasn't already working in that field before I started the degree. So I went back to college this time to be a teacher. I figured if I wasn't going to be a mom ever at least I could love and nurture a classroom full of kids. My last semester towards my master's degree and certificate I was told I was not good enough to be a teacher and that due to my depression and inability to have eyes in the back of my head that they would not certify me to teach. Another dream dashed. I was now too physically disabled to be a nurse and I wasted almost $100k in student loans trying to do something with my life only to be told "nope not good enough". I took my degree and tried to go work as a teacher in private schools, but it turns out not being able to keep track of 10 kids is definitely problem when you are trying to be a teacher. So I tried daycare work. I was only employed for a week when the 'not good enough' criticisms started in. One last ditch effort was made towards not  having to live in abject poverty on social security was made. I went to truck driving school. It took me 4 weeks longer to complete training than other people. The last straw was a failed job and being attacked in a truck stop parking lot. By now I lost all faith in the existence in god. Besides even if he did exist....I was never going to qualify for heaven. I was too undisciplined....too flawed....and definitely not good enough.

Dating was a string of men who thought me unworthy of loving because I wasn't this or that. Too old, too fat, not blonde, not mexican, too tall, not already a mom, not successful in some career and it went on and on. I spent 15 years alone with no one besides my mother that gave two bits for me and with her it was always what I could do for her instead of just being about parental love and support. Again maybe they dated me because I was easy to manipulate and take advantage of. All I really wanted was for someone to love me for me.

I met Joe online. To be brutally honest I was not physically attracted to him, but he has never said "your not..." or "you never... I am enough for him for the most part. He tells me he thinks I'm sexy everyday. He doesn't expect me to be more than I am and because of him I have found a happiness I have never had in my life. But I still live with not being good enough. I hate living on social security. Some days I feel less than a person because I can't work and support myself, but why try to work when I know I'll never be able to do a job well enough to succeed?

And if God does exist which I often am not sure of....I'll never qualify for heaven because I'll never be good enough anyway. Hell is the best I can do and how much worse can it be compared to the life I've lived?