Faith or lack of it.

I used to be devoutly christian. I read the scriptures and prayed everyday. I went to church every Sunday. I believed God had a plan for me and that if I prayed hard enough that I would someday go to heaven. But one day I woke up and I no longer believed. I can't explain why no more than I can explain why I believed in God to begin with. I remember taking great comfort sometimes in knowing the 'great plan of life and the universe'. I miss that. I'm terrified of dying because I don't know what happens. Will I cease to exist? Will I become a ghost (I've seen things that could be ghosts)? Will I merge with the universe and again cease to be who I am? Will I be reborn? Is there a heaven/hell?

I've always been a bit different. I sometimes know things before they happen. I can feel other people's feelings sometimes but that could just be picking up on non-verbal cues. I used to talk to man who no one could see but me when I was a kid. I see things that aren't there but I've been diagnosed with Bipolar 2. So seeing things, hearing things maybe just the chemical imbalances in my brain but medication is supposed to have fixed that and I think it has. I feel numb a lot of the time. I have dreams of a woman who claims me as "her daughter" but she is not my mom so I don't truly know who/what she is. I've often gotten guidance from dreams, but is that divinity providing guidance or my sub-conscious seeing what my conscious brain could not?

I wish I could believe again. It would make living easier. It would nice to not fear growing old and dying. It doesn't help that I was never able to have kids.  When I'm old there will be no one that cares enough to see that I'm ok. There will be no one that cares when I die. No one will care enough to remember me.