Birthday ponderings

 In 3 days I'll be 51. I wonder about things. I wonder what it feels like to be pregnant. I wonder what it is like to be a mom. You see my birthday always coincides with Mother's day and I've always wanted to be a mom but like the rest of my life it didn't happen. I wonder what it feels like to have a normal life. To have a family, a car, a house, and a job that I'm somewhat good at. I did everything I could think of to do to have that life but at every turn I found road blocks. I tried detouring around those roadblocks but there were always more roadblocks. More grief and more failure until the fight simply was beaten out of me. I was unable to function as a adult. I do well in school but in the real world 80% isn't good enough. You get it right and get it right the first time or you get fired. I need direction, someone to tell me what to do next  but in the real world you have to have what people call 'initiative' and I simple lack the ability to see work that needs doing unless it is sitting right in front of my nose. I hate living on SSDI but my medical bills but I can't keep a job longer than a year at a time and most of those jobs were because someone felt sorry for me. I'm lost in an adult world with none of the skills to have a job or even normal relationships. And I never have nor will I ever have even one of my dreams come true.....ever. Some days I don't see the use in living anymore but death scares me now because for all I know my last breath means the end of my existence.