Struggles

I have fibromyalgia. I wake up every morning in pain. Sleep can be difficult too because of the pain. I have medicine that helps but the side effects result in me feeling floating, drunk, drugged. So much so I can't do much beyond sit and stare or play a game I know so well I could play it in my sleep. An acquaintance ordered a hat from me that I have to finish soon but I can't focus long enough to finish it in one sitting. I worry that this pain, cramping muscles, and symptoms that are debilitation aren't fibro but MS.  I'm having trouble getting to see the specialist. I am so tired of fighting for everything I need. I just want to curl up and sleep forever.

Birthday ponderings

 In 3 days I'll be 51. I wonder about things. I wonder what it feels like to be pregnant. I wonder what it is like to be a mom. You see my birthday always coincides with Mother's day and I've always wanted to be a mom but like the rest of my life it didn't happen. I wonder what it feels like to have a normal life. To have a family, a car, a house, and a job that I'm somewhat good at. I did everything I could think of to do to have that life but at every turn I found road blocks. I tried detouring around those roadblocks but there were always more roadblocks. More grief and more failure until the fight simply was beaten out of me. I was unable to function as a adult. I do well in school but in the real world 80% isn't good enough. You get it right and get it right the first time or you get fired. I need direction, someone to tell me what to do next  but in the real world you have to have what people call 'initiative' and I simple lack the ability to see work that needs doing unless it is sitting right in front of my nose. I hate living on SSDI but my medical bills but I can't keep a job longer than a year at a time and most of those jobs were because someone felt sorry for me. I'm lost in an adult world with none of the skills to have a job or even normal relationships. And I never have nor will I ever have even one of my dreams come true.....ever. Some days I don't see the use in living anymore but death scares me now because for all I know my last breath means the end of my existence.

Creeping darkness.

Hate
fear
greed
Violence
deep abiding sorrow
And yet something looms large
I feel impending doom
Is it all in my head?

For the first time in my life I'm glad I didn't have a child. The world seems darker somehow than it has been in a very very long time. I can almost feel the darkness creep out of the ground and infect everyone. Perhaps it is all in my head. Depression coloring all I feel and see. But I haven't been depressed in a long time at least not until the holidays came. Maybe the darkness was hidden or far away and I didn't see it or feel it. But my intuition is screaming that something horrible is going to happen in the world sometime soon. Of course my 'intuition' often gets it wrong or the event isn't as 'soon' as I seem to think it is.

Growing old

As I grow towards being a 'senior citizen' I begin to wonder if the world I dream of will ever happen. It is a world where a woman can walk down the street and not be afraid of being molested, raped or otherwise be preyed upon simply because she was born female. A world where the store shelves are not full of stereotypical pink or blue products marketed based on sexuality. Where being female isn't a handicap to success. Where men and women are simply people. Where love is love no matter who you choose to love. Where violence is horrible to everyone and not considered a necessary evil. Where words win wars instead of guns and bombs. Where everyone has the basic necessities of life that is adequate food, shelter, and clothing. Where people work to improve on themselves and to earn luxuries such as electronics, vacations, vehicles, etc. Where people live in harmony with nature instead of raping our world in the name of avarice. Will I live long enough to see any of this or will my worst nightmare come to pass and I see the children of tomorrow slide back into the bad old days where women are oppressed in the name of a faceless god. Where the poor are continuously blamed for the lack of opportunity to excel. Where the rich rape the rest of the world in service to themselves. When will the children look up from their screens to find solutions to problems that will end us if someone doesn't wake up soon.

Not good enough

My whole life has been haunted by this phrase. I was too fat. That was the beginning I think. Even if I only ate what everyone else ate I still gained weight. My mother didn't feed us junk food. Candy, soda, and sweets were rare in our house. Grandma made the most awesome peanut butter fudge. But I only got it for my birthday along with a new item of clothing. Sometimes if we were lucky she made it for Christmas if I begged her hard enough. Because I was fat no one wanted to be my friend so I was alone most of the time.

Later it was I was told I was lazy. Nothing I ever did was good enough to satisfy the person I was trying so desperately to please. In high school I thought I was good at doing so many things but when those things were compared to someone else I always came up short. I had average grades B/C average with an occasional A thrown in. I played clarinet which I enjoyed but really wasn't passionate enough about music to practice hard enough to be the very best. I was a joiner. I was in 4H and FHA because I was pretty good at cooking, sewing, and crafts. I wanted to be a nurse and really had no guidence as to best way to succeed in life. I was a part of a work release program in my junior year where I worked at a nursing home. There I learned that I was not fast enough to do my job well.

I made a mistake early on I guess. I joined the Mormon church where I learned I simply wasn't good enough to be considered as a candidate to be someone's wife. Which is everything when you are a mormon female. Again I was too fat to be desirable. I also wasn't disciplined enough to follow all the rules. Too easily distracted by what felt good. My first love and husband while I was good enough to want to have sex with thought I was not blonde enough to suit him. Why he was with me I'll never know. Easy prey I guess. He died which sent my world into a tail spin that too me years to recover from.  I went to college where again my grades were average. But I had no clue what I was supposed to do with my life. So eventually I dropped out. I went back to doing what I knew I could do. Nursing home work where while I was still not fast enough or good enough they weren't going to fire me because of it. I had a breakdown early in my 20's where death seemed better than always living with not being good enough for anything or anyone. It was preferable than feeling ugly and unwanted. That was the first time I went on social security disability. Eventually a made a verbal contract with my mother that before I tried swallowing a bottle of pills or cutting myself I'd call someone. I spent a lot of time in psych wards.  Through all of it I still clung to my religious beliefs even though they too made me feel not good enough. I was never going to qualify for heaven yet I had to keep trying. The only pay off was not being afraid to die because I knew at least the  pain would end and I would at least find some peace.

I eventually tried other work. Secretarial work didn't work out I was not pretty/skinny enough to be hired and I made too many mistakes. I lacked "initiative" whatever that meant. I had a disastrous marriage to someone who was mentally/emotionally abusive. I was grasping at straws to be honest. I never felt anything for him but pity. I had a minor stroke during that marriage due to a concussion. Someone hit me in the head with a small baseball souvenir bat. I can't say it was my husband because I don't remember actually being hit. He said I was hit with the bat. For all I know I could have fallen and hit my head on the coffee table. My work life continued to be a series of jobs I just wasn't good enough to do well in. I finished my bachelors degree only to discover that the degree I chose wasn't going to net me a job because I wasn't already working in that field before I started the degree. So I went back to college this time to be a teacher. I figured if I wasn't going to be a mom ever at least I could love and nurture a classroom full of kids. My last semester towards my master's degree and certificate I was told I was not good enough to be a teacher and that due to my depression and inability to have eyes in the back of my head that they would not certify me to teach. Another dream dashed. I was now too physically disabled to be a nurse and I wasted almost $100k in student loans trying to do something with my life only to be told "nope not good enough". I took my degree and tried to go work as a teacher in private schools, but it turns out not being able to keep track of 10 kids is definitely problem when you are trying to be a teacher. So I tried daycare work. I was only employed for a week when the 'not good enough' criticisms started in. One last ditch effort was made towards not  having to live in abject poverty on social security was made. I went to truck driving school. It took me 4 weeks longer to complete training than other people. The last straw was a failed job and being attacked in a truck stop parking lot. By now I lost all faith in the existence in god. Besides even if he did exist....I was never going to qualify for heaven. I was too undisciplined....too flawed....and definitely not good enough.

Dating was a string of men who thought me unworthy of loving because I wasn't this or that. Too old, too fat, not blonde, not mexican, too tall, not already a mom, not successful in some career and it went on and on. I spent 15 years alone with no one besides my mother that gave two bits for me and with her it was always what I could do for her instead of just being about parental love and support. Again maybe they dated me because I was easy to manipulate and take advantage of. All I really wanted was for someone to love me for me.

I met Joe online. To be brutally honest I was not physically attracted to him, but he has never said "your not..." or "you never... I am enough for him for the most part. He tells me he thinks I'm sexy everyday. He doesn't expect me to be more than I am and because of him I have found a happiness I have never had in my life. But I still live with not being good enough. I hate living on social security. Some days I feel less than a person because I can't work and support myself, but why try to work when I know I'll never be able to do a job well enough to succeed?

And if God does exist which I often am not sure of....I'll never qualify for heaven because I'll never be good enough anyway. Hell is the best I can do and how much worse can it be compared to the life I've lived?

Faith or lack of it.

I used to be devoutly christian. I read the scriptures and prayed everyday. I went to church every Sunday. I believed God had a plan for me and that if I prayed hard enough that I would someday go to heaven. But one day I woke up and I no longer believed. I can't explain why no more than I can explain why I believed in God to begin with. I remember taking great comfort sometimes in knowing the 'great plan of life and the universe'. I miss that. I'm terrified of dying because I don't know what happens. Will I cease to exist? Will I become a ghost (I've seen things that could be ghosts)? Will I merge with the universe and again cease to be who I am? Will I be reborn? Is there a heaven/hell?

I've always been a bit different. I sometimes know things before they happen. I can feel other people's feelings sometimes but that could just be picking up on non-verbal cues. I used to talk to man who no one could see but me when I was a kid. I see things that aren't there but I've been diagnosed with Bipolar 2. So seeing things, hearing things maybe just the chemical imbalances in my brain but medication is supposed to have fixed that and I think it has. I feel numb a lot of the time. I have dreams of a woman who claims me as "her daughter" but she is not my mom so I don't truly know who/what she is. I've often gotten guidance from dreams, but is that divinity providing guidance or my sub-conscious seeing what my conscious brain could not?

I wish I could believe again. It would make living easier. It would nice to not fear growing old and dying. It doesn't help that I was never able to have kids.  When I'm old there will be no one that cares enough to see that I'm ok. There will be no one that cares when I die. No one will care enough to remember me.

Living disabled.

I'm not usually a politically minded person. The people in government's only thought about me is to figure out how to make my life less dignified as if I had any dignity left being disabled. If it wasn't for charities and generous people who give to charities I simply could not afford to have an apartment or to have anything that was nice. I am grateful that there are people out there that understand that if I could work I would. I'd rather have a job, a paycheck, and a chance to own a house, a car and to have a normal life. I didn't ask to become disabled. I didn't run in front of a truck or take drugs that caused me to be impaired. My disabilities are NOT my fault. Therefore why is it that the (stinking rich) people who are our leaders find it necessary to 'balance the budget' by taking away things I need to live? Yes I have a computer and a tv. Rather nice one's actually but it isn't because I'm rolling in money. Its because I have a very loving mother who wanted to make sure I wasn't spending my days staring at the wall going totally batty with boredom. Our leaders would have me sell my computer and my tv and even my furniture because they are 'luxury items'. So disabled/elderly people are supposed to sit on the floor and sleep on the floor and have absolutely nothing in the way of entertainment because well they are living on the government's dollar and therefore aren't entitled to anything other than subsistence. Speaking of subsistence. I live so far below poverty level I'm surprised my income even registers. I do not receive enough ssdi from our government to rent a regular apartment and to feed myself. Now I've been blessed because I found a charity that caters to people like me with mobility issues that provides me a very nice one bedroom apartment and the rent is based on my income. The government seems to think $90 is enough in food stamps for me to eat for a month. Maybe if I eat beans, peanut butter, and ramen noodles. You would think they'd want me to be as healthy as I could be since that would mean less money spent on paying my doctor to fix the crap that my diet causes. I can't afford fresh vegetables or fruits and I certainly don't have any 'junk food' in my house. So I end up having to pay cash which I could really use to oh say buy clothes for food. When are we as americans going to stand up and show the world that we take care of our own? Oh that's right we are too busy sticking our nose in other nations business under the bs label of 'national security'. And the money we need for social security, medicare, and medicaid is going to pay for wars in other countries and paying people who have more money than sense (ie senators, congressmen, etc). England and canada are just two examples of countries who take better care of their citizens that the US. We should be known as a county who takes care of our own....but we are failing miserably.

Lately I've been contemplating the conundrum of rising gas prices and the need to get to work in a timely manner. What is a hard working American to do? In my city it would take me 4 buses and 3 hours to get to work if I were to try to cut travel costs by commuting using public transportation. That would mean getting up 3 hours sooner to walk a mile and then getting home 3 hours later to walk another mile. While the walk might do me good, the lack of sleep and time with my family just doesn't make it worth it. I'm spending $50/week out of my little $300/week check. This means I've taken a pay cut in a job where I'm already overworked and underpaid. I can't afford to go out on the weekends anymore to a movie or even for a drive. Vacation this year is out too. How am I and the rest of the country going to recover?

Where the 'institution' of Marriage belongs

My opinion on marriage is different than most people. In my opinion I don't believe that the government should regulate marriage....period. The government shouldn't sell marriage licenses, give tax breaks to married persons, or provide any benefit to individuals who choose to legalize their emotional lives. Think of it...no legal marriage, no divorce, no divorce attorneys, no controversy about gay marriage. Marriage could simply be a contract between individuals much like a prenuptial agreement dividing possessions and child custody. I think it should have to be renewed like a drivers license. Marriage would be back where it belongs..within the confines of the churches and no ones business but the people involved.